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diff --git a/etc/NICKLES.WORTH b/etc/NICKLES.WORTH new file mode 100644 index 00000000000..bae5e0a1f61 --- /dev/null +++ b/etc/NICKLES.WORTH @@ -0,0 +1,188 @@ +Article from _Computer Language_ by Bruce Tonkin. + + Several prominent software companies have caused a stir lately by dropping +all development work in Pascal and adopting Microsoft BASIC. When queried all +have declined to comment about this move, but one company insider (code-named +Deep Poke) suggested talking to Niklaus Wirth to get the full story. + Speaking from his home in Zurich, Switzerland, Wirth proved to be a far +more genial soul than one might imagine, being the founder of Pascal and all. +But the European lifestyle obviously agrees with him, and he was more than +willing to provide some insights into this strange phenomenon, currently taking +place in the computer industry. + In fact, what began as an innocent inquiry eventually revealed a shocking +and exclusive piece of information: that the invention of Pascal nearly 20 +years ago was intended entirely as a joke, an April Fools' prank. + Wirth tried to explain. "Every year at the Swiss Federal Institute for +Technology [the university in Zurich where Wirth is a professor of computer +science] I taught the same classes, gave the same tests, told the same +jokes," he began. "it was boring. I needed a little humor. So I started +talking about this crazy language called Pascal. Eventually, the Pascal joke +became so popular I just kept adding to it, making it more and more elaborate. + "But some of the students went to class so seldom that they missed the +joke and thought Pascal was a real language! Imagine the looks on their faces +when they got out into the world and discovered there was no such thing as a +language called Pascal. Hoo-boy! They sure learned to pay attention after +that!" he said, giggling. + Several of his better students, he continued, figured they'd make some +money by fleecing the people who actually believed in Pascal and so wrote a +simple Pascal compiler for this purpose. It was actually a kind of prank, much +like selling elevator passes to high school freshmen. + "Yes, yes," Wirth said, "the UCSD operating system started the same way. +The same bunch of rascals who did the whole Pascal thing kept pushing the idea +until it reached the point of complete absurdity. They were hysterical! +Especially late at night - they'd come up with some really boffo material. +They the next week they'd modify it and it would get even more entertaining." + Wirth's best student was Philippe Kahn, who he met while Kahn was a +student. "I used to go to a small bistro called 'Der Blaue Engel' after my +classes, and it happened that Kahn played jazz saxophone there while people +danced on the tables." Wirth was impressed with Kahn's talent and evident wit +and encouraged him to end his musical career and enter the lucrative field of +software comedy. Once he explained Pascal's comedic possibilities, Kahn was +hooked and quickly agreed. + Since most of the staff at Apple Computer Inc. was educated at the +University of California at San Diego, they were also in on the joke, Wirth +said. "That's why they kept pushing Pascal. A bunch of fine kids, those Apple +guys. Born comedians, most of them. Except this one guy - he had no sense +of humor at all. [Editor's hint: not Woz.] + "When we finally decided to do a DOS that was even funnier than UCSD +Pascal, the feeling was that UCSD was already the ultimate. But then one of +the guys proposed doing a DOS that was written in Pascal but used hieroglyphics +instead of a written language. What a genius! We were rolling in the aisles. +But that one guy, he thought we were serious. What a nerd!" + Wirth's list of the funniest features of Pascal begins with the lack of a +string data type, no random file access, primitive numeric handling, and the +existential absurdity of the semicolon. + "But I'd have to say that my crowning achievement was the lack of input +and output functions. First you can't get anything in too easy. And once it's +in, you can't do much with it. Pascal isn't good with letters and it's not +good at all with numbers. Besides, I made it very picky. You have to +recompile, recompile, recompile forever. Ha! And once you've done something +with the data, you can't get it out." Wirth started chuckling uncontrollably. +"Philippe has said C is a write-only language - I made Pascal a read-only +language!" His chuckling turned into hysterical laughter that went on for +several minutes. + "Of course, some didn't get the joke," he finally said when he could speak +again. "They kept trying to make Pascal actually useful. But I stopped them; +I made the original Pascal a standard. That meant anyone who made Pascal good +for anything was nonstandard and out on a limb!" + + * * * * * + + How will all this affect the future of Modula-2? Wirths' merry manner +and beaming face suddenly became hard when presented with this question; +perhaps this was taboo territory, sacred subject matter. + "Modula-2 is a real language," he finally said, his demeanor solemn. "It +represents a serious effort on my part to make amends for any damage caused by +well-meaning but unimaginative people teaching and learning Pascal. + "But it's so hard! Pascal is a very good joke, yes? But to make a really +good language from it is not so easy," he sighed. + In addition to Pascal, Wirth admitted, three other languages also were +intended as pranks: Forth, PL/I, and True BASIC. + "Forth is essentially black humor," Wirth said. "Charles Moore [who +created the language in the late 1960s] designed it as a native language for +people whose brains ran backward." Originally, he continued, it was supposed +to be the ultimate parody of Hewlett-Packard calculators, which Moore has been +competing with unsuccessfully for years. As an astronomer, he had used HP's +calculators out of necessity rather than any appreciation for their design. +But to his great surprise, he found that there were actually quite a few +people whose brains did run in reverse. Eventually, Moore came to see Forth +as a boon, especially for backward thinkers. "At least it keeps them of the +streets out of really serious trouble," Wirth said. "Imagine one of them +trying to drive a car or operate heavy machinery!" + PL/I originally stood for "Prostituted Language/Interface," Wirth +explained. "The designers were under so much pressure to add features and +include every possible construction from every other language in existence that +they eventually gave up and decided to play the whole thing for laughs. They +said 'yes' to every request, no matter how absurd, and even added things to +the language no one ever could or would use. The scoured journals for +off-beat syntax and weird symbolic notation; some of their better ideas came +from early editions of The Mad Reader and other E. C. publications. Besides, +several of them were upset with the compiler-writing team and decided to stick +it to them with a life-time project." + True BASIC is not "True" in the sense most people understand the word, +Wirth continued. Rather, "True" is itself an acronym for a "Totally wRecked-Up +Example of." The professors who came up with it are amazed that no one has +yet caught on to the joke; they felt sure their insistence on the LET keyword +would be a dead giveaway. "Of course there were other clues, but this was the +most clear-cut," Wirth said. "They even called Microsoft BASIC a street +BASIC in hopes that Bill Gates would challenge them and reveal the joke." +But Gates refused to play along, and both professors had to all but beg Wirth +to tell the world the truth about True BASIC before things went any further. + + * * * * * + + Jokes abound in the world of operating systems as well, according to +Wirth. In addition to the UCSD Pascal operating system, said Wirth, "Tandy, +Apple, and Commodore were for a number of years carrying out a private comedic +battle to see who could produce the world's funniest DOS." + Tandy's TRS-DOS (Tandy Radio Signal Detection Operating System - a +reference to the fact that early machines would reboot when any transmitted +signal was detected) was an early front-runner until Apple came out with the +vary amusing Control-D command what could enable or disable disk operations. +In the end, though, Commodore won the battle. Its DOS was oriented toward +records exactly the size of punch cards and took over four minutes to boot from +disk since it read disk data more slowly than most audio tape machines and even +some 300-baud modems. + But the funniest joke of all is, in Wirth's estimation, also the most +common, and he's amazed so few people have caught on to it yet. + "Come on, come on. Surely you can guess," he said, his voice rising in +excitement. "What one thing makes users more livid than any other? What one +computer product makes you feel sure it was produced by a team of trained +gerbils on mind-altering drugs? Yes, yes, yes! You see it now - manuals!" + Wirth considers Gates, who wrote all the BASIC manuals and who was on the +staff of many others, a "comic genius." "Mitch Kapor should get more +recognition - he's far better than Neil Simon. And what's-his-name, the guy +who wrote the WordStar manual - he got an award at at dinner we threw for +him a few years back. That manual is a classic in the truest Marxist +[brothers] sense of the word! Pure slapstick! But the best of them all is the +author of the dBase II manual. Now there is a writer for the ages!" + As for the IBM manuals, Wirth considers them mere hack work. "Anyone can +do stuff like that," he snorted. + But perusing a copy of the manual for NEWDOS, he seemed a little more +impressed. "Hmmmm. Not bad work. Not bad at all," he said. "But it's still +simple stuff. 'To do this, read page 40. But to know what's on page 40, you +have to read page 65, which refers to page 15, which shows a whole list of +exceptions for page 53.' Entertaining, but hardly in the class of any of the +modern masters of the art." But when his attention was brought to the fact +that none of the error numbers listed in the NEWDOS manual were ever returned +to the BASIC programmer, and that the most common disk setup (double-density, +double-sided) was not on the configuration menu, Wirth admitted that these were +indeed nice touches. + Although it is a known fact that most of the early computer manuals +(probably even the NEWDOS manual) were written by programmers and that +programmers are notoriously poor writers, Wirth would not be deterred from his +opinion that these writings are works of art. + "Most people fail to consider that good programmers are very bright. +Their thoughts are extremely well organized and most of them have the benefit +of higher education. Their brains are not warped by overexposure to TV and +their attention spans are not short-circuited by overindulgence in sex, drugs, +or alcohol. They are not constrained by conventionality. If you want to get +picky, there are a lot more programmers than there ever were writers. And +programmers simply work harder than writers. Few writers work 100 hours a +week; almost all programmers do." + The result, according to Wirth? "All programmers write at least as well +as Faulkner. Most are as good as Proust, and about a third are as good as +Dickens. Several hundred are at least as good as Shakespeare. So the manuals +you thought were inferior were simply beyond your poor ability to appreciate. +If you were a programmer, you would delight in their verbal virtuosity," he +said. + In fact, Wirth claimed, even the grammatical errors and misspellings in +the manuals were placed there deliberately. Most are elaborate literary +allusions and puns; some are inventive Joycean neologisms. As an example, +Wirth discussed the history of the word "kernal." + "Everyone, including programmers, knows the word is spelled k-e-r-n-e-l," +he explained. "The deliberate misspelling is an implied criticism of the +typesetter (a writer's bane for years.) Of course typesetters kern the letter +l; thus, 'kern el.' But kerning can only be done for certain letter +combinations, such as two l's. Thus, 'kern a l' dares the typesetter to kern +an isolated l, an obvious typographic impossibility. + "Moreover," he continued, "'kernal' is an anagram for 'rankle,' which +describes programmers' feelings toward typesetters. Finally the inventor of +this particular word, R. K. Lane (who is well known within the Southern +California computer community) has concealed his name by means of yet another +anagram." + Wirth smiled a last secretive smile, leaving us all to wonder if this was +perhaps just one more in his series of personal computer pranks. + + + |